Truth be told, I still miss you. I miss everything we ever were. I miss the people we were back then. Happy-go-lucky and free. We loved each other so deeply, so honestly.
Things just don't seem to get any easier. I keep on going back and fourth with my emotions which eventually leaves me confused. I've been talking to a lot of people about this but I guess they're right. It's time to drop everything and move on. Bigger and brighter days will come, where at the end of the day, I'll be okay. But I guess for now, I'll learn how to move on, I'll learn how to walk with my head held high, and I'll learn how to smile brighter than the sun.
But for now, I'll cry to my heart's content. I'll cry till my eyes dry out. I'll cry reminiscing everything we were, everything we are and everything we'll ever be. But through it all, I'll pray. I'll pray for your happiness, and I'll pray for mine. I'll pray for Allah to protect my heart, I'll pray for Allah to allow to me to breathe and to move on. I know at the end of the day, He knows best and I'll always trust him. I know at the end of the day I'll find someone. Someone better, someone who's able to love me unconditionally, someone who loves me for me and someone who won't stop loving me through it all. But most importantly, I'll find someone who'll love me for Allah.
What happened between us, I don't know. I don't know how or what happened. Maybe we took each other for granted. Maybe we stopped trying. Maybe we didn't like the people we were becoming. Maybe we weren't the right fit. Maybe things just didn't make sense anymore. Maybe we just wanted something more.
I guess at the end of the day, it's okay. I've had a great four years and even though things hurt right now, I know I'll be able to look back and smile at everything that we had. I'll smile at the smallest things you did that made me happy and I'll smile at all the good times that we had. I'll look back and smile at all the milestones we went through together. And I'll thank you for making me the happiest person on earth for the past few years, and I'll thank you for making my poly life great. I'll thank you for taking care of me. And I'll thank you for everything you've done for me.
And I hope you'll be able to smile at how happy I made you at this point in your life.
But until that day, I'll allow myself to be me. I'll allow myself to grieve, I'll allow myself to be happy, I'll allow myself to breathe and I'll allow myself to be okay. I'll allow myself to let you go and I'll allow myself to let you move on.
I don't know how long this will take. It might take weeks or months but I know I'll get there one day. And I pray, until then, Allah will give me enough strength to let me to move forward and never look back.
Redha, and have faith in Allah.
I still love you. Always.
With love, Hannah xx
Ps: This post isn't a breakup story. There isn't one wrong party in this equation. Both of us were in the wrong. We took each other for granted and in the long run, we stopped trying. This is me expressing myself. This is me telling myself to move on. And no, I'm not trying to get anyone's sympathy either. This blog has been an outlet for me to express myself - through words and/or fashion.
