To be honest, I never knew why I wanted to be a nurse in the first place. All i know was that I wanted to help people, touch as many lives as i could, change someone's life, make a difference, and yknow, whatever you see on those nursing ads. I suppose that's why a lot of people classify my route to the nursing world a calling.
And I loved it.
I loved every bit of course of study in nursing, I loved every attachment I went to. I wanted to learn as much as I could, as fast as I could. I couldn't wait to finally enter the nursing world as a full registered nurse. And boy, if you could see my face when I wore that damn green stripe for the first time - I was happy, so happy. To finally be able to do something I love, for the rest of my life.
Now, three years on, I surely can't say I feel the same. I hate my job.
Well, I guess hate is a strong word, so I'll say, that I'm tired.
I'm tired of being screamed at every five minutes, I'm tired of being treated like I'm a constant idiot because of my age or because they doubt that three years is enough experience as a nurse. I'm tired of supervisors expecting us to work in understaffed conditions just because "we meet the stipulated nurse to patient ratio" even though our ADLs are heavy as hell. I'm tired of patients and their relatives screaming at me for not having hot water in the morning for them to shower, or when the diet trolley comes late or when pharmacy sends up medications late.
I am basically tired of people screaming at me for things I have zero control over. Period.
I'm tired of non-nurses looking at me like I'm some heartless bitch when I rant about my annoying patients or when I talk about how I deal with a dying patient. I'm tired of working long stretched weeks or being given only one off day post night. I'm tired of all the complaints and being dubbed as a "bad" nurse because I don't bow down to each and every one of their demands. I'm tired of being peed on, getting actual shit on my shoes, being punched, kicked, scratched, pinched.
"But it's a noble job"
Okay, firstly, I am so tired of people saying that to me, I might actually slap the hell out of the next person who says that to me. No kidding. I'm not going to deny that it is. But I'm tired of people saying that because all it does for me, is drain the living daylights of my soul.
I feel like the nurses are publicized in a way that makes us seem like the ultimate angel it feel almost hard for us to be human. It's hard for us to feel frustrated because showing it would be highly 'unprofessional' and breaking down at work makes us seem 'weak'.
It could just probably me, realizing that I'm not cut out to be trophy nurse society expects me to be. I've tried, and maybe I'm done trying. Maybe, I've tried so hard to please everyone in this industry, to make sure I don't get complaints or sued, that I loose my true intention on why I wanted to do this in the first place.
I wanted to help people. But all I feel like I'm doing is be someone's maid/babysitter.
I've stayed on for this long because I clung on to my friends for so long. Now that everyone's leaving, I don't know if my love, or what's left of it, is enough to make me hang on any longer.
I guess at the end of aaaaaalllll of this crap you've just read, I'm just tired. Most of all, I'm tired of being sad, and hating the one job I loved most. I'm tired of letting all these emotions ruin the very core of my soul. And I've tried so, so hard not to let it affect me, but the more I put aside and focus on trying to be a better nurse, the more broken I feel inside.
So, I suppose, this is me, trying to get my soul back together again. Trying to put myself first.
I honestly don't know if my next step, is a smart, feasible step. But I guess we have to let go of the things that we once loved to make way for bigger, better things right?
No, I'm not quitting, not anytime soon at least. But I'm leaving, indefinitely. And only God knows how broken I'll be when the day comes.
With love, Hannah xx
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